bethany's world

Looking Too Hard

Have you ever set down your remote control or your car keys in the not usual location, only to go searching for them in that same spot an hour later.  You look everywhere for them, right?  You get on your hands and knees, looking under furniture, searching between the cushions on the couch… Chances are, in the search for the very item you’re looking for, you’ve picked them up and set them back down again, because you were concentrating your focus on the search and not on the end result. 

I bring this very topic up, because in life, too often we concentrate on the search and not the end result and that is the very problem. 

I follow a few people, all a bit younger than me, that are so crazy certain that they want to be in a relationship.   It’s weird, when the topic of relationships come up with the “older” people I follow, they kind of roll their eyes in the “been there, done that, don’t ever want to go back” jaded cynicism that only comes from putting a heart on the line and it being irrevocably hurt.  We humans, we are sometimes the most destructive force on this Earth and if we aren’t, then we certain create those forces - and not just in war.  Sometimes, in love, we are at our most destructive. 

But, speaking to the younger ones here…. and not from any position, but to say, hey look, try to benefit from my experience, because this shit is painful and I don’t want you to be, in later years, jaded or cynical…. This is what I learned, albeit too late:

After the divorce was finalized, I was on a mission: I was determined to prove that the relationship ending had not been my fault - that I had been the kind, giving, and greatest woman imaginable to my husband.  I wanted to prove I was a loyal girlfriend, capable of making a relationship work with someone who wanted to make it work with me.  I was seeking a relationship, searching for it.  I crashed and burned not once, but on three crush attempts.  Three.

I began to sit back and wonder what the hell was wrong with me.  Don’t lie - you’d do it, too.  Why did crushes never work out for me?  What was the secret.  I was done with love - I was done with seeking it out.  I openly said so.  I openly said that I was not going to pursue love - love was going to have to come find me. 

And, the thing is… love has a tremendous sense of humour.  Because, once you finally declare yourself done with love, love always sits back and says, “oh, you’re done with me, huh?  Right…. well, we’ll just throw a little love your way and see what happens.” 

I had stopped searching for love and like a petulant child, the moment I stopped searching for it, love wanted my attention back.  What had I decided to do instead?  I had decided to really focus on me.  What did I want?  What was important to me?  What were my guidelnes… and what was I willing to compromise?  What did I want in a man?  I listed my qualities and I was determined not to fall in love unless someone met that criteria.  And when he walked into my life, I didn’t even realize it.  That I didn’t realize what was going on has got to be the funniest thing that has ever happened to me, especially if you knew me growing up. 

The point to all of this is, love is like that remote control you pick up a few thousand times before you realize it’s in your hand… or the car keys you pick up and put down a number of times, all while looking for them.  Once you stop focusing on the search and focusing your attention on being a better you, love appears.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it, it just does.  I’ve heard countless stories like this. 

So, I urge you… wait… Love is worth it.  Love is worth waiting for and so worth not settling for.  Love is awesome, beautiful, and I promise you, before you die, you will experience its splendor.  Concentrate on you: do you… and let love find you and let love in, when it knocks on your door… Be honest, though.. don’t say you’re going to stop looking for love, and continue the search - actually, physically start concentrating on you and you will attract people that want to know you… That’s the secret.  It’s not hard or difficult, and I so wish someone had told me this when I was 18… but, then.. my life might be completely different… and, as much as it’s been difficult?  I like the way it seems to be going.