Mother’s Day

I love my Mom, but we are of two very different worlds and mindsets.  Sometimes, I wonder how that’s possible, that I could be so different from a woman whose body I grew in and came out of.  

Still, she has this amazing spirit and that is, she is absolutely confounded by me, but she tries, sometimes too hard to please me, to understand me.  She tries too hard that she ends up making the simple difficult, but she tries, and no matter what, she does only want the best for me, she just thinks that her vision in her mind IS the best for me.  

She has many of her own issues, but she has lived an amazing life.  Sometimes, I wish she could see what she has, that it’s enough.  I wish she would understand that counseling would enrich her life, not confirm that she’s crazy.  I wish she could see the amazing love my Dad has for her and be willing to go to counseling with him, if for not other reason, just to please him, just to do something for him.  

For those of you that may be wondering, she is still healing, but I know that this is the beginning of the end.  I know that she doesn’t take care of herself, that she retreats into pill-fueled sleep when my Dad and her are arguing.  I know the signs of Alzheimer’s / Dementia and I know that  she is in decline.  I know she has her quirks, but, I also know that she tries.  

She just tries.  She makes the attempt with me, more often than not, and I know there have been many, many times in which I have hurt her and broken her heart.  

So, when you see me complaining about her, about how difficult things are, know that our relationship is a complicated one.  I wish I had the kind of mother that baked the cookies and took care of me when I was home sick with asthma related issues, but I don’t.  I have a mother who bucked stereotypes and took on a job that ” was a man’s”.  She was brave and dedicated and hard working, even if she wasn’t maternal.   She had strength and courage and no one ever told her she couldn’t because she was a woman.  She proved them wrong when they did.  She didn’t want to have to rely on a man to take care of her, because her first husband beat the living hell out of her routinely.  

I am honoured that she passed that strength down to me.  

She’s a good woman, and as my Dad says, “when she wants to be, she’s the kindest, most loving person in the world.” 

…but we have our moments… 

And next Saturday, Lexi and I will be driving up to see her in her “new” (full-time) home and taking care of whatever she needs.  Her birthday is on Friday, but I cannot spend the night at my parent’s country home.  I can’t breathe in it, which is compounded by her smoking.  And though it is not my favourite place in the world, I am looking forward to spending the day with her… (and paying my respects to our familial pet cemetery .. something I’ve never seen.)   And my mom is looking forward to spending time with her Granddogter.   (She absolutely refuses to call Lexi a dog and tries always to call her, her Granddaughter.  This is our compromise, so that Lexi can be her favourite Granddogter and my niece can be her favourite Granddaughter.)  

Memories, Lexi Has Them… I Think

Yesterday morning, Lexi started out in an unusual mood - pushing me out of bed.  She demanded my attention all day long, which is unusual, especially when she’s also being extremely clingy.  Lexi sometimes has those kinds of days, like we all do: the insecure ones, the ones where you just need extra love and hugs and sweet words. 

But, Lexi has also been experiencing nightmares more lately than she has in recent past.  Nightmares, because she’s twitching in her sleep and growling a lot more.  It breaks my heart to watch her and, I comfort her, by lightly petting her and whispering “you’re safe” and “I love you”. Sometimes, she wakes up.  Sometimes, she doesn’t, but I try to comfort her best I can.  

But, we’re getting into March and close to the time frame where, two years ago, Lexi was surrendered to BARC, which is a high kill shelter, by her “family” who had named her Princess and because she was surrendered by her family, meaning that she had not been lost, she was on the short list to be euthanized.  A woman found her, fostered her, and I found her organization, and it literally makes me cry every time I think about how close Lexi came to being put down far too soon. 

When I got her, Lexi was angry at the world.  It took a bribe of a piece of a creme brulee tart from la Madeleine (we were destined for each other, I discovered at that point) before she would come out of my closet.  This was after growling at me the entire drive home (45 long minutes).   It took my Dad three weeks of constant contact with her to get her to not growl at him on sight and dogs love my Dad.  It took my brother-in-law, who also is beloved by dogs, 6 months to gain her trust.   She was more okay with women and had severe separation anxiety when I started packing items for a garage sale, two months after I got her, so I wondered if either she was taken away from a woman or a girl who loved her.  Whatever the case, I think it’s safe to presume that Lexi was beat and severely and by at the very least a man.  

All told, Lexi didn’t honestly come completely out of her shell until I started hosting people at my house during one of the campaigns I was working on and that was a good year and a few months after I adopted her.  Now?  Good lord, she almost goes up to people and starts conversations, except for people that sneak up on her.  Other than that, her extra sensory perception of humans has kicked in, but she rarely has a problem with anyone and everyone LOVES her.  There’s a long list of people on my “suspect of dognapping” list should she ever go missing.  There’s also a long list of people that would take her into their homes, should I ever have to part with her.  Lexi is not only well loved, but well liked.  

But, with her clinginess today and recent rash of nightmares, I began to wonder, if dogs have memories and if this time of year is just harder on Lexi.  I know that being sent to the pound was traumatic for her, as it would be for any living creature.  I guess there’s no way to know for sure, but just to hug her and kiss her and keep her as safe as I can.  I was just wondering if anyone else has rescued an animal that seems to have memories that seem to rear themselves at the same time of year the event happened or bad anniversaries.  

(Lexi and I are sometimes more alike than I would like to admit… and if she does associate a particular day with sadness, then that would be one more resemblance…)