I’d like to say I’m not the trusting sort. That I put up walls and block people out, unless and until they pass some sort of test. I’d like to say that, but it’s not true.
I’ve always led with my heart, and not my mind. It’s the single biggest trait of my personality and it’s what gets me into trouble more often than not. Want a person that speaks their mind? Find someone who leads with the heart, because if they led with their mind, their rational, logical mind, none of the words from the heart would ever dare escape.
I’m a trust first, ask questions later kind of girl, of everyone… and, I do my best to understand people as a fluid process, because people are fluid. This gets me into trouble, especially with people that won’t change, can’t change, but I always want that fluidity to flow in a better direction and have hope that it will. It’s broken my heart a number of times… My aunt, being the biggest, though, she also had the satisfaction of sending my grandmother into her final downward Alzheimer’s spiral at the same time. That’s one of three people I no longer see as fluid. My ex-husband holds the number two spot (pun kind of intended), my mom, now, the number three. As much as she does her best to manipulate my world (as well as many others), my sister should hold the number four spot, but her husband keeps her still in fluid transition in my book. Still hopeful.
Quite often, I trust many people that I shouldn’t. Maybe not a hundred percent, but I trust them. Rarely have they let me down, completely. Fluidity, I think is key. The fluid thought, the ever pressing forward of, “next time…” It’s difficult to lose my trust completely, because I give it freely. Naive or not, I still believe in the human race. Still believe we’re all good at heart, mostly. Evil exists and it hides and lurks in the best of people, but I’ve learned that bad and evil never come in the wrapping and box that you believe they should. Usually, they’re deceptive, and so, in spite of that deception, I trust all, because even that deception, that small tiny bit that hurts, isn’t enough for me to turn off my heart and build walls, even though, sometimes, I really wish I could.
I am not the type of girl that loves cautiously, giving only a little piece of me, here and there. When I love, it’s full force, and that’s scary to some people. In all honesty, I’ve learned that it scares me more than anyone else. My trust comes far too easily, and my heart gives openly. My brain, my rational and logical mind, however, screams at my heart, “WTF? You’re going to get us hurt… it’s going to hurt worse than we’ve ever been hurt before. I know how you’re feeling, but for God’s sake, put up the walls, because I’m tired. I’m tired of being open and battered and bruised. Put up the damn walls and show that we have common sense. Put up the damn walls before its too late, before we fall completely… before you’re lost for good, never to be replaced! Put up the damn walls before you’re cracked and no use to anyone! Just stop being an idiot and put up the damn walls!”
…and my heart always replies, “I just can’t. It’s already too late.”
I trust more than I should… more than I want to, sometimes. I don’t conceive of people being bad, so when they are, (like my cousins this past summer) it shocks me and I react far more harshly than I should, because, I can’t build those walls.
And when I trust, without warning, without hesitation… when that trust is built on a deep love and I know it and feel it without thinking, when I can say, “I trust you more than anyone else on this Earth,” and mean it, without flinching, my logical, rational brain just knows heartache is around the corner and so it fights harder, yells louder… screams and screams and screams. It begs for walls, for caution, for reins against reckless abandon. It looks at the past, and at all the people I’ve let in, trusted, been let down by, and trusted again… and known how much it hurt when they betrayed me and I trusted again… only to be hurt again. My mind sees the pain and practices self preservation…
But my heart always wins…. it always trusts… even when the brain thinks the heart is being a stupid idiot, and sometimes, especially then. The brain tries to put up walls, but they are not forged in the steel of determination and caring that is the trademark of my heart. My heart always wins… even if my rational and logical brain puts up walls for the heartache that it is sure lurks around the corner.