All you need to know about me: 

Here and here and here and here.

inothernews:

“Fred, all right Fred, so I got myself into a pickle, Fred, because I’m in my house, like what you see here, and I look out my window and what should I see but nuts, a bunch of nuts on the ground at the base of the tree, and I know Mr. Williams the homeowner put ‘em there, like as a trap, you know a trap? so I was like ‘Nah, I’m not gonna fall for Mr. Williams’s trap, what does he think I am, playing me for a fool like that?’ but I was really hungry, and I’ve got, like, 20 squirrel babies to feed, you know what I mean, Fred? so I had to get them nuts, I had to, so I clambered out of my window, like what I’m doing now, just like this, and I tiptoe carefully down the tree bark, like tip… toe… tip… toe… until I’m at the bottom of the trunk, and I quicklyscamperaboutgatheringasmanynutsasIcould, before that punk Mr. Williams shows up with his trap and his hunting dog, and I racebackupthetreeliketherewasnotomorrow, I now I’ve got nuts for my whole family, like my gal and my 20 squirrel babies, and I got some extra, Fred old pal, would you like to come in and nibble on some of my nuts?”

(Photo of a squirrel inside a bird feeder in Spokane, Washington by Christine Haines / Rex Features via the Telegraph)